I am going to dedicate a series for this particular situation. I mean, I am really done with rationalisations, assumptions, and all the supposedly former overthoughts. I am rather too old for such shit. But hey, I just could not ignore his ever-presence. Really, fuck was that! See, just a few days after I have declared his would-be appearance. He does not fail apparently. And so, I'm going to take notes of his apparitions.
So now, he and I are interacting as if there is an understanding that 'it's all good' without any trace of remorse, explanation, or at least, an apology.Whatever.
It's all good. I feel like casually talking to a coworker. Perhaps it is what he wants. It is what I want. I like the part wherein he is proud of me, telling everybody that I should be celebrated. It is so him like I have known him back in the days.
He is almost a stranger. It is okay. It is better that way, way better than all the previous encounters. It feels like, he and I have just met. It sounds good. He and I have grown... apart. I hope it would be a sign of his farewell from my dreams. I really do not want to see him anymore. I deserve cosmic peace without him as my anchor or refuge. Somehow he has become my person even if he is not real. When he appears, I know I am going to be okay eventually. He gives me a kind of cosmic energy top-up of sort. Like, what? *roll eyes* Yeah, that.
I have not thought of him to even dream of him. Yet, there is a countless account of him in my dream diaries. Some dreams are forgotten. A handful becomes a memory, even gratitude.
Wherever or whenever he is, I hope he is well. I hope he knows he is always in my happy mind, though unwelcome, he is among the joys in my life.
Thank Yu,
sC