The day I swear off music –

Do not get me wrong but I love music,

It is its vibration that gets me.

Music these days,

They vibe you know what.

I have a son who could sing, 

dance and play an instrument.

It is rather difficult to keep him

in the right frequency. 

Help me God of the heaven and earth.

However, the triune God speak to me in songs.

Like lately, "I just have to hold on to Him

no matter what is in store for me."

For someone who is weak, I do not have a choice.

God is my Hope.

My Hope is God.

I feel like I am hiding, which is fairly true. Why would I not?

I am literally holding on the edge of Jesus' sidsid, Hoping He

would heal me, and all my family completely.

The fact that my child is better in asking and thanking God, 

I feel a bit embarrassed.  

I feel I could not deliver what God demand of me.

Still, I need to trust Him with total confidence 

when He says "Hold on".

Labada Laundry Serious Service LTD ED CO

Washing clothes while watching The Simpsons. I am looking for their version.

Hi 2023

As I make my way to another time, I am grateful for my family and a friend. I hope everyone stays frosty. It is going to be an interesting year after all.

sC

Realised Truth

After years and years of trying to figure this life, I finally have found the answers. Then I ask, why have I not realise them sooner?

The truth is, somehow a sad truth, I am destined to love but not be loved. Only divine love can meet my understanding and even my standards of love, as how it should be experienced. Only God and myself can love me truly and deeply. I guess the love that comes from my son is included. After all, he has been a part of me for a period of time. There is also that cosmic chord that connects us as mother and child.

I know my husband loves me, but I never feel the fulfilment from him. I choose to love him, because he is such a pure soul. It is a delight to love him until he has told me to let him love me, and then my demise slowly creeps in. I believe it is what made me greatly sad and mad, to the point of leaving this reality unfinished.

And so again, I cannot let anybody love me. Now that I get my bearings back, meaning my walls are up and strongly about, I would not let anyone in anymore. It is the only way for me to continue this lifetime head on. I am determined to see my purpose through. I have to achieve the meaning of my existence. 

Somehow I know the essence of my life, even of the next and the one after that –– love, just love, like how love should be.

I should feel down about knowing, but I feel relief. I am peaceful. I mean, everybody wants to be loved. I guess, I am an exception. I need somebody to love, though. My son is that somebody. It use to be my husband, but he already has his fair share of me.

I am curious. Is this only me? Or will my son be the same somehow someday? Perhaps I should give him warnings and pointers. Such yearning is inevitable, whether it be love or just lust, the longing to be with someone is given –– to share time, space and energy called love. Oh, love!

Do I want to be loved, perhaps in the future? Hmmnn... I prefer being adored or admired from a distance. I rather have a limited and controlled relations with another being, particularly considering the amount of time, space and energy involved. I have no desire to exert or even waste such factors with anyone anymore, except with my son of course. Yeah... I guess it has taken me awhile to realise universal existence.

Watching love,

sC

Ministry | Mystery

It seems I have lost almost a couple of months. I have discovered and realised so many things. They make sense. 

I realise that this is a new life now. Literally. One of which not really my own to live for myself. I have already ended my own life for the first part of the lifetime in this reality, or world, whatever or wherever or whenever I am right now. The next forty years is a life of my purpose, which I sought after eagerly since I started to embrace in my first half of existence as a material being.

And so, this purpose is called the Ministry of Motherhood. It is funny... all those years of questioning and being depressed just because life seems unreasonable. Oh well, here I am carrying on as one of the hosts of a growing soul. Maternal responsibility is divine in every aspect of it.

And then, I (re)discover that everything is energy, and energy is everything. It is amazing how I come to know free energy. Even writing now means I am expelling energy. I want to keep anything I do short, straightforward and strict. It is called energy saving.

And perhaps, I would not be writing here more often. I mean, not that I write somewhere else online. I do not even post FB status anymore. I still write... on my physical diary, mostly my dreams.

I have changed. I embrace the change.

Steady on,

sC

For The Love Of Me

I believe my everlasting purpose, or yet, the essence of my every existence is love. I mean, generally, love is really the point of being. I get it more or less like everybody gets it. But what gets me is, how I am suppose to contain it or control it. I am a sucker for love, not in such a mediocre fairy tale way, but an addiction I need to shake off in every life that I ought live, or even in this life. Am I really addicted to love itself? Because really, I swoon over materialised love on TV.  Pretend love as it may seems, it makes my spirit soar high. Ha! Is that why I have never gotten myself into illegal drugs to get high? Perhaps because I am looking for that kind of high in love, whatever its form or how ever it is displayed. Hmm....

I found my true love in this lifetime. My son. He is the definition of an unconditional love. He loves me regardless of my dysfunctional being. He gravitates. He reveres. He loves me through and through. He knows how to love me. I believe it works both ways too. Well, it is just expected from me because I am his mother somehow. We have our bad times, which mostly coming from my part. I feel ashamed knowing how I am some times with him.

While I watch him put himself to a nap. I have an epiphany –– I will fulfil this purpose in my son (make sure his being is ironclad perfect), then I am off to fall in love again. Absolutely in another life, because I am already sired to my husband in this life.

sC